The right way to ask for help
It doesn’t always come naturally to ask for help. There might be a fear of getting rejected or being judged. It could come off as being incompetent or needy. There’s also a sense of pride as we’re wired to be independent.
Adding my own cultural context, research suggests that Asian-Americans fear that asking for help would burden others, disrupt harmony of the community and bring shame to the person in need. This is in direct conflict with the western perspective — that asking for help is a proactive way to solve problems.
The good news is that most people actually want to help, as long as they’re being asked in the right way. There’s science behind generosity and it’s human nature to want to provide value. Think about the last time someone asked you for help in a way that was clear and concise. Did you help them? How did that make you feel?
When asking for help:
Get clear on what you need. We can fall into the illusion that others can read our minds. Take time to clearly define your goal, need or problem first. Once that is clear to you, it will be much easier to effectively communicate it to others.
Be thoughtful about who and when to ask. Think about whether they might have a lot on their plate or if they’re going through personal issues. Or if you have exhausted the same person with multiple requests recently. And if you’re unsure, ask if they’re available before making a request.
How you ask is important. Your request shouldn't come off as desperate. Instead, try to come from a place of partnership and learning. It could sound like “I’m having a hard time with this project and know that you have experience with it. Can we work together to figure it out?” There’s also no need to apologize as it creates negativity around the task.
Follow up and reciprocate. Once you have results, share it with the person who helped you. Let them know that you appreciate them, how they have helped and let them know that the door is open if they need a favor. It’s important to foster these relationships.
The next time you want to ask for help – remember that most people are eager to give back, especially if it’s done kindly and in a way that promotes collaboration.
Here are some examples of how to ask for help.
With a colleague:
I’m having difficulty turning this set of data into a chart that is easy to understand. I saw the presentation you gave last week where you used charts in a really effective way. Do you have a few minutes to show me how you did it?
Not sure if you’re the right person to help, but I really appreciate your time. I’m having trouble understanding the legal language in this document. Would you mind going through a few paragraphs with me so I can better understand? If you’re not the right person, could you point me in the right direction?
With a friend:
I’m ready to make a shift into product management for my next career move. We never really get to talk about work, but I know that you oversee a team of product managers at work. Can I take you out to drinks and get your perspective on what it takes to be a good product manager?
I’m going into my 3rd round of interviews this week and have a good feeling about getting a job offer. You landed an exciting new job - congrats! I would love to catch up to hear more about the process, how you managed your final rounds as well as any negotiation tips you might have. Do you have 15 minutes to chat?
On LinkedIn:
I noticed that you recently made a move from traditional banking to a fin-tech start-up. I am looking to do something similar and would love to get your perspective and experience - specifically, what compelled you to make the move and how has it been going from a large, publicly-traded company to a Series A start-up?
I was browsing around LinkedIn and saw that you made a move from California to New York recently within your company. I am looking to do something similar, to transfer within my company. Do you have 15 minutes to share how you did this so successfully? I’m free Wednesday and Thursday between 1-4pm. I really appreciate your time and insights.
